no peanuts in church…

…probably had something to do with allergic reactions in crowded spaces.

The last time I was on an airplane, they wouldn’t give me my bag of peanuts. Because the kid sitting in front of me was allergic.

Some actuary had actually modeled, computed and assessed the risk of me inadvertently spraying the kid in the seat in front of me with Sublime Airborne Peanut Spray, thereby causing their horrible death via anaphylactic shock.  And my taste for peanuts (and sincere need for vegetable protein) were just not worth the actuarial risk.

Ok, fine. I didn’t want to kill anyone. I had just wanted to eat some peanuts.

That said, I (much later) remembered the old Boston Puritans had outlawed eating peanuts in church, long ago, and it was still technically on the books. As a child, I had assumed this had some obscure almost-medieval reasoning behind it (peanuts were of the devil and sparked fires, summoned earthquakes, made the cows infertile, etc). Or maybe it had something to do with molasses, the slave trade, whatever.

But no, it was probably allergies. Someone’s kid got sprayed with Sublime Airborne Peanut Spray in church, and died in horrible convulsions. Accusing the neighbors of Witchcraft to get their land was long passé at that point (and that sort of nonsense had always been for the backwards country folk up in Salem Village, anyway), so they decided to just ban the peanuts.

It’s a theory, anyway. And so now I have this domain name.

Makes perfect sense, really.


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